You may have noticed that posts have been few and far between this past month. And there is an explanation. After struggling through chemotherapy for lung cancer for the past 8 months my grandmother was hospitalized with pneumonia about a month ago and after almost two full weeks in the hospital, God called her home... her eternal home.
After a recent conversation with a friend, I realized I had defaulted to my "old ways" of dealing with hard situations. I was bottling it up. I couldn't cry. I couldn't feel the emotions I wanted to. It has been hard. I watched this most beloved woman I am graced to call Grandma suffer, for months, and still keep a God-ward focus. It was brutal. Then, as much as time away from our children allowed, I was with her in the hospital as much as I could be. I was there during the last 3 days when you could tell death was close. She had not been awake for those three days. It was hard. Even that doesn't describe what we walked through as a family. And sitting by her bed, holding her hand, peppering her with kisses, I wouldn't allow myself to get emotional. I had an eternal hope I was resting in for her life. That was God's grace for those moments. And still is.
But I continue to grieve the loss of her life, her presence in our family. She meant more to me than my frail words will ever be able to convey. I loved her so. If ever there was a connection between a grandmother and granddaughter I would wish they could share what we did. She was my best childhood friend.
Perhaps in coming days I will be able to share about her life with you. God is working on healing my heart. And I will rest in Him. After all, He does understand suffering and mourns with me. He does not turn a blind eye to us in it. John 11:35 says, "Jesus wept." Shortest verse in the Bible, and yet we see Jesus' compassion and humanness as he cried over the death of a beloved man. His heart of love broke right along with this family and does with ours as well.
So, now you are up to speed where I am and can pray for me and our family... especially my grandfather, who lost his bride... pray that we will continue to rest in God's grace for these moments.